First of all, I want everyone to know that photo is not me–it is one I found on google images. And second of all, is it just me, or is the water running out of this woman’s nose only the second most disturbing thing about the picture?
Even though they are killing people right and left, my husband likes his neti pot. (And by likes I mean it helps his allergies–I am not insinuating that he enjoys it. Although if that were true, the therapy he would need would make a really awesome blog post.) Anyway, since he thinks it works, I decided to give it a try (with distilled water and my own little pot–yes we’ve been married almost 30 years but I’m not sticking his nettipot up my nose).
The following is my unbiased review of the Neti pot. I’m pretty sure consumer reports would pay good money for this, and you’re getting it for free, so…you’re welcome.
I tried it twice (I know…I am stupid that way) and I hate it. Hate. It.
Of course, to be honest, the results were mixed. Mixed as in it works fine one direction–right nostril to left if you must know–but in the other direction, rather than coming out my right side, the water rushes up into my sinuses and starts down my throat. Now, after enough coughing and gagging it will eventually drip slowly out the right side, but by then it’s too late. I’ve already told anyone who’ll listen where the WMDs are hidden.*
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it was all bad. For the next several hours anytime I leaned over I’d get the interesting little surprise of water pouring out of my right nostril. There’s some amusement to be had with that (and the fact that I feel that way should tell you just how easily I’m amused.) I kinda kept wishing that some little kid would come and annoy me so I could pin him down and lean over his face–it would have been even grosser than the spit thing.
Some of you will say that I was neti potting incorrectly somehow, and I suppose that certainly could be true. But I promise you that I read the directions very carefully. I’m weird that way when I’m considering doing something that can be deadly and sounds exactly like something a group of seven year old boys would think was a good idea. (Hey, I know, let’s pour water up our noses! Yeah!) The blame, I’ve decided, is my septum. I’ve been told by doctor that it’s deviated (aren’t they all?). So it’s not my fault; it’s just that my nose dresses left.
I know from experience that there are some people who probably should never try to stand on slippery boards and go fast down an icy mountain. I am now amending that to add that there are some people who should never attempt to pour salt water up their nose. I am simply not neti-capable. If God had meant for me to have salt water up my nose he would have arranged for me to be on a beach vacation right now instead of waterboarding myself over my bathroom sink.
I’m betting that all of you are
worried hoping that I’m going to post a video of me trying to drown myself over my sink, but you’re wrong. Not that I wouldn’t post it if I had it–even I think it would probably be too awesomely funny to keep to myself–but I didn’t record it and I am NOT going to stick that thing up my nose again just for the sake of art. Fuck art. Instead I’m posting a video that a friend put on facebook, because it’s smart and has important ideas and will perhaps counterbalance the rest of this dumb post.**
*The only Weapons of Mass Destruction at my house are apparently hidden inside my dog, Stella. She deploys them to deadly effect when it’s nearing her dinner time and occasionally if my hubby and I laugh too loudly while watching Jon Stewart.
**I just realized that this blogpost is long, and the video is long which makes this whole thing like an endurance event. If you manage to finish it all, maybe it will be something you can brag about to your friends. Or not.